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Discovering Asexuality
Jan. 30th, 2011 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mystiri_1Last night, I went to a barbeque to celebrate my Dad's wedding anniversary. And like most such occasions, comes the moment when somebody asks, "So what about you? Why don't you have a partner?"
For the first time ever, my response was, "I'm asexual, so I'm just not interested."
While I have been asexual all my life - I can't ever recall a time when I have felt genuinely attracted to someone else - it's only been maybe half a year since I could put a label to what I am. It's weird, in a way - labels are supposed to be bad, demeaning, confining, whatever - but I remember reading an article talking about what asexuality was and thinking, "That's me," and feeling relief, because it meant I wasn't just weird or somehow defective by today's standards.
It wasn't the first time I have told someone I was asexual - I have talked about it online, spoken with friends about it - but it felt like a huge accomplishment to come out and say it in a purely social setting, where the expectation is that people will come in pairs. Ironically, I think it is the first time I have ever spoken about it around my immediate family: my little brother was sitting next to me at the time. They've never really said anything about the fact that I've never been involved with anybody; I've always been the quiet one, the one who doesn't go out of her way to be incredibly social, and maybe to an extent that is simply taken for granted. But there's something satisfying in being able to assert that no, it's not because I'm too introverted or a bit of a geek, it's just that that's not me.
The woman I was talking to was surprised, but she also congratulated me for being so honest. She told me that, as a hairdresser, people tell her all kinds of things, so she's no longer shocked by anything - but she was curious as to how I dealt with it. Several of her clients were asexual, and it seemed that they had a hard time dealing with it simply because it's not something that people seem to talk about. And yes, this is something I definitely know is true.
These days, homosexuality is talked about, although not everybody is accepting or supportive of those who identify as such. People might admit to being bi-sexual or at least curious, or assert with great emphasis that they are straight. But while I have met plenty of people who are quite happy to openly place themselves within any of those categories, I don't think I've ever met anybody else willing to say 'I'm asexual' anywhere except online. We're the group people don't talk about, and don't really understand.
I told her that most of what I had learned about asexuality, and found in the way of support, came from online communities like Dreamwidth, where different sexualities are already widely accepted. Even if you don't say much, there's a comfort to knowing that there are other people like you out there, that they face some of the same issues you do. Afterwards, I felt that maybe it was time to come out and say some of the things I have thought about these last few months, because of that very reason: it help to know other have similar experiences. So here it is.
( My non-relationships )
( Not quite like everybody else )
( Making a discovery )
( Adjusting my thinking )
( So what has changed? )
I am 30 years old, female, and asexual. This is my experience; yours may be different. Feel free to share.
For the first time ever, my response was, "I'm asexual, so I'm just not interested."
While I have been asexual all my life - I can't ever recall a time when I have felt genuinely attracted to someone else - it's only been maybe half a year since I could put a label to what I am. It's weird, in a way - labels are supposed to be bad, demeaning, confining, whatever - but I remember reading an article talking about what asexuality was and thinking, "That's me," and feeling relief, because it meant I wasn't just weird or somehow defective by today's standards.
It wasn't the first time I have told someone I was asexual - I have talked about it online, spoken with friends about it - but it felt like a huge accomplishment to come out and say it in a purely social setting, where the expectation is that people will come in pairs. Ironically, I think it is the first time I have ever spoken about it around my immediate family: my little brother was sitting next to me at the time. They've never really said anything about the fact that I've never been involved with anybody; I've always been the quiet one, the one who doesn't go out of her way to be incredibly social, and maybe to an extent that is simply taken for granted. But there's something satisfying in being able to assert that no, it's not because I'm too introverted or a bit of a geek, it's just that that's not me.
The woman I was talking to was surprised, but she also congratulated me for being so honest. She told me that, as a hairdresser, people tell her all kinds of things, so she's no longer shocked by anything - but she was curious as to how I dealt with it. Several of her clients were asexual, and it seemed that they had a hard time dealing with it simply because it's not something that people seem to talk about. And yes, this is something I definitely know is true.
These days, homosexuality is talked about, although not everybody is accepting or supportive of those who identify as such. People might admit to being bi-sexual or at least curious, or assert with great emphasis that they are straight. But while I have met plenty of people who are quite happy to openly place themselves within any of those categories, I don't think I've ever met anybody else willing to say 'I'm asexual' anywhere except online. We're the group people don't talk about, and don't really understand.
I told her that most of what I had learned about asexuality, and found in the way of support, came from online communities like Dreamwidth, where different sexualities are already widely accepted. Even if you don't say much, there's a comfort to knowing that there are other people like you out there, that they face some of the same issues you do. Afterwards, I felt that maybe it was time to come out and say some of the things I have thought about these last few months, because of that very reason: it help to know other have similar experiences. So here it is.
( My non-relationships )
( Not quite like everybody else )
( Making a discovery )
( Adjusting my thinking )
( So what has changed? )
I am 30 years old, female, and asexual. This is my experience; yours may be different. Feel free to share.
